25 First Moves: Initial Interactions that Create Positive Relationships

We explored the role of communication and shared some of the foundational research around trust, but you may wonder, “Where do I start?” If you are beginning a new job soon or meeting a family for the first time, there are specific actions you can take to create a strong foundation for a collaborative, positive relationship with a family.

No matter your initial kind of communication, focus on what you hope to learn about them instead of giving information. The only information that a family needs from you in your first communication is your name, contact information, calendar or schedule, and a succinct sentence or two that conveys positive intent. The rest of that message, which should be succinct given families’ many competing priorities, should be an opportunity to learn. These initial, brief interactions are referred to as High Quality Connections^[1]. 

Four kinds of questions convey effective intention, and are therefore most effective for building high quality connections in professional spaces. “The four high prospect intention buckets are questions that: 1) convey genuine interest in the other person; 2) call forth positive emotions in the other  (e.g., gratitude, calm, awe, love);  3. provide help or assistance to another; and/or 4) intend to uncover common ground (e.g., shared history, interests or other qualities).”

Let’s consider some examples of each type that you can include in an initial communication you send to families, ask during a first conversation, and use to begin a conference or check-in^[2].

1. Ask questions that convey general interest in the person/ child:
   1. What’s been the most meaningful part of raising [name of child]?
   2. Children teach us so much about ourselves! What have you learned about yourself from [name of child]?
   3. Tell me a little bit about yourself. What were your early childhood or school experiences like?
   4. What does your family love to do outside of school/ clinic?
   5. What concerns, if any, do you have about the upcoming school year/ next few months?
2. Ask questions that inject positivity:
   1. What worked well for [your child] in the past?
   2. What do you and your child like to do together?
   3. Tell me about the activities that your child enjoys in their free time.
3. Ask questions that can offer help and assistance:
   1. What is something that another [teacher or clinician] did that you found particularly helpful?
   2. What is something I can do to help you support your child’s learning or development at home?
   3. Thinking about a particular challenge for your as your child’s caregiver, what barriers have you encountered? What supports might help you overcome those barriers?
4. Ask questions that uncover common ground:
   1. What are you most looking forward to this year?
   2. What have you read or watched recently that you found really interesting?

Let’s take a moment to reconsider the very first question we must ask as culturally responsive practitioners: What is your name? This is a seemingly simple question and yet, as some of the co-authors can personally attest, somehow often goes very, very awry. Listen to the interview below (or read the transcript) to learn more about the experiences of so many to better understand why asking what people want to be called and pronouncing their names correctly is more than just common courtesy.

Lastly, we want to share a small, but effective reminder: If you first meet an important adult after any interaction with their child, begin by sharing something positive about their child. For example, you might share that you really appreciate how kind they are or that they immediately struck you as alert and inquisitive. Perhaps their adolescent shared really valuable insights or a recent success (no matter how big or small) in their life. Note that with your genuine appreciation of the opportunity to work with them. Then, your deeper learning about their family can begin.